


Caught In The Grey

by SherlockiansFanFics (P0werToTheFandom)



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Complete, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sherlock is a Mess, Song Lyrics, Song fic, Suicidal Sherlock, Trigger Warnings, possible ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 18:57:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20680319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/P0werToTheFandom/pseuds/SherlockiansFanFics
Summary: Song Fic: Caught In The Grey.Sherlock returns from his two years away, and things don't go as planned. Sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness he finds himself returning to a certain rooftop that ruined his life.Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts, implied/referenced self-harm, referenced torture.(Three alternate endings)





	1. Caught In The Grey

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock, any of the characters, or anything pertaining to Sherlock. I do not claim to own anything of the sort.
> 
> Trigger warning: Suicidal thoughts, implied/referenced self harm, I think that's it.
> 
> I would also like to note that there are three endings, more on that in the ending notes.  


**"I'm standing on the edge of returning or just running away, I'm letting myself look the other way."**

  
"Just one more miracle, just for me... don't be..." John's voice breaks. "Dead." 

  
-flash forward-

I just told john I'm alive, things went very wrong. I'm in my flat cleaning myself up after our fight and not bothering to keep back the tears in my eyes. I can't figure out why John's being like this.

_Why was John mad that I'm alive? I apologized, isn't that what you're supposed to do? I just wanted to have my friend back. I fought through those two years just so I could have him back. He replaced me... and now he doesn't need me. What am I going to do without him?_

With little care to the pain it's going to cause me, I pull my clothes off, rip my bandages off, and get in the shower.

"Gah." I hiss in pain and clench my jaws to keep from screaming.

_Blood, I'm assuming I pulled some stitches._

Judging by the amount of blood mixed with the water now, I'm sure some stitches were pulled.

"God." _I feel like dying_. The day wasn't supposed to go like this. I was supposed to come home, John was supposed to be happy to see me. Not angry...

I hit the shower wall with an open hand. _Why was I so stupid? I should have known that John wouldn't need me anymore. John doesn't need me._

**"And the hardest part of all of this is, I don't think I know my way back home."**

I'm sitting on the roof of St. Bart's where I 'killed myself' 2 years ago. I'm looking over the city, and thinking about how much pain I've caused and I'm trying to figure out if I should just leave after what John has to say about my return.

Some things never change. My eyes flick over the tall buildings surrounding the hospital.

To think that two years ago I 'killed myself' on this rooftop.

A shaky sigh escapes me as I clench and unclench my fists.

_Maybe it would be better if I just left. John doesn't need me, Mycroft doesn't care if I'm in London or not. Molly won't care. Gavin will have issues with cases as always, but he won't miss having me around._

_Maybe I should leave London... maybe I nee_d_ to leave permanently._

**"Is it worth the journey, or do I let my heart settle here?"**

  
I'm in a crack den, John won't talk to me. I can't understand why everyone is angry with me.

"Ah, Sherlock." My dealer greets me into the crack house like an old friend, which I am.

"How much can I get with this?" I hand him fifty pounds.

"Well..."

"How much?"

"Easy, my friend." The dealer disappears into a back room for a second before returning with what I came for. Drugs.

"Finally." I take it and go upstairs to a room so I can do as I please.

_Drugs, they always know how to help. They don't ask questions, they just do what they do._

_Mix solution correctly, put in in a needle, tourniquet, find a vein, inject._

It's all a routine by now. I need to forget, and this is my best friend and best asset in that endeavor.

Forgetting, it's a shame one has to want to do so, so badly, and yet is unable to delete what they wish with ever fiber of their being never happened.

No one asks questions here, we're all here for the same reason.

_Escape. I live for the escape, for the end of boredom... I love for the feeling of not having to feel anything._

But, like any feeling, it is soon replaced with another.

Uncertainty maybe? 

**"How cold have I become, I didn't want to lose you by what I'd done, caught in he grey."**

John and I are fighting over my death and Mary is trying to referee.

"You are a fucking machine." John screams in my face.

"I died to put a stop to Moriarty's network." I try to defend my choice.

"There is no excuse for what you did." John's face pulls into a murderous smile. _Shit._

"John, you need to calm down." Mary tries to talk to him.

"Stay out of this, Mary." He hisses at her, his face returning to normal level angry.

"Do you think I'm trying to hurt you?" I finally snap. "I dies to protect you, all of you!"

"You shouldn't have come back." John shakes his head in disgust. "You should have stayed dead."

"Maybe I should have." I agree with anger in my heart. "Maybe I shouldn't have come back."

With that, I storm out of the room, slamming the door behind me.

**"I don't wanna look you in the eyes, you might call me away."**

"Sherlock, I just had an interesting conversation with Mycroft." John walk into my flat right before I can inject drugs into my system.

"Jesus Christ." He rushes to my side and takes the needle away from me before I can inject myself.

"Give that back, John." I refuse to look at him. _He still hates me, why is he being so mean? I know I got his wife killed, but why won't he give me back my drugs._

"I thought you were clean." John doesn't give it back.

"I am, now give that back."

"Look at me. Why, Sherlock?" John's voice is softer, but still stern.

"Reasons." I growl, looking at the wall above his head instead of him. "Now give it to me."

"Mycroft said you were showing signs again." John runs a hand over his face.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

"What else did my dear old brother say." Anger courses through me, I lace me words laced with poison.

"That you're suicidal."

That stops my words in their tracks.

"Is it true, Sherlock?"

I still can't answer him. All fight left me at those words.

"Sherlock?" John steps towards we and snaps me out of my daze.

"I'm fine, John." I wince when my arm brushes against the arm of the chair.

"What's wrong with your arm?" John sound upset.

"Nothing, everything is fine."

**"I don't wanna give you the chance to make me stay."**

_Jumping might be best... but them again, everyone will think it's another trick. _

I'm trying to decide how to do it, overdose would be easy... not the best option thought.

God, I just want to end this.

**"And the hardest part in all of this is, I know my way back, I don't want to go and let you see, all that has become of me."**

_I'm in the hospital after an overdose, this one was actually an accident... sort of._

"Sherlock, I know this was intentional." John is trying to make me answer him. "Tell me how I can help."

"Hand me a noose." I say sarcastically, then regret it when I see the look on John's face.

This is only getting worse.

**"I should have known, I should have know, I didn't have a chance."**

I go home and shut out the world, Moriarty taunting me in my mind palace, and Lestrade keeps trying to get me to help him on cases again.

_It's not the fall that kills you, Sherlock.~_

Moriarty won't leave me alone. I've tried everything to get him out of my head... but it's not working.

_It's never the fall.~_

My phone rings, John. _Ignore._

My phone alerts when a text comes in, Lestrade. _Ignore._

Someone knocks on my door, Mrs. Hudson._ Ignore._

_It's the landing.~_

I have to push the world out and fix myself. I need to fix myself. I have to fix myself... If I don't, who will?

_You're ordinary too_.

My phone rings, Lestrade. I give in and answer it.

"What, Gavin?"

"I have a case for you."

"Busy." I hang up, set my phone down and before I can take a breath it rings again.

"What?"

"It's a really interesting case, Sherlock." Lestrade tries again.

"I'm busy." I hang up and ignore it the next time it rings.

_That's your weakness, everything has to be clever.~_

I can't do this anymore.

**"how cold have I become I didn't want to lose you by what I'd done, caught in the grey."**

Everything is calm up here. It's as if the world is telling me it's alright, go ahead, jump.

I'm tired, and I can't think anymore.

_Moriarty was right all along. I'm not clever, I'm ordinary. I'm a fake... always have been._

**"It burns for a moment but, but then it numbs you, takes you and leaves you just caught in the grey."**

"You killed my best friend." I cried as I talked to my sister.

"Hey, freak." Donavan was right when she said that, I'm a freak.

"You should have stayed dead." John's words couldn't have been truer. I should have stayed dead from the start.

I look down at my wrists, roll my sleeves up and examine the scars and fresh cuts littering my skin.

_Freak, Machine, fake, failure..._

Words ring through my mind.

I take a deep breath.

I'm jumping. 5, 4-

**"You tell me: In your deepest pain, in your weakest hour, in your darkest night, you are lovely."**

My phone rings and I pull it out to see who it is. John. Maybe one more conversation with him won't hurt.

"Hello, John." My voice sounds tired to my ears, but I don't care anymore. This is the end.

"Sherlock?" John sounds confused. "I stopped by the flat and you aren't here."

"Yes, I'm seeing a client."

**"You tell me: In your deepest pain in your weakest hour, in your darkest night, you are lovely."**

"Where?" John is calm. "I'll meet you there."

"No, I'll be leaving soon." It's an honest answer. _I'm leaving soon._

"You sure?"

"Yes-" I'm cut off by an ambulance siren.

"Sherlock?" I can hear panic in John's voice. "Where are you?"

"As I said before, seeing a client." I feel bad about lying, but it won't matter in a minute. "I have to go, goodbye, John... give Rosie my love." A lump forms in my throat.

"Sherlock, god, tell me you're not where I think you are." John is in full panic mode by the sound of it, shit.

**"How cold have I become, I didn't want to lose you by what I'd done caught in the gray."**

Finally, I hang up on John and take a few deep breathes.

This is for the best. I need to do this. John doesn't need me anymore. No one needs me anymore.

The decision has been made, why am I hesitating? This is for the best.

"Okay." I talk aloud to myself. "5, 4, 3-"

"Sherlock." I hear an a voice behind me, I turn around and see John standing there.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, shivering from the lack of a jacket and my sleeves being rolled up.

"I was about to ask you the same thing." John moves closer slowly, as if not to scare me.

**"It burns for a moment but them it numbs you, takes you and leaves you just caught in the grey."**

"Oh god." I hear John whisper, then I follow his eyes to my wrists.

"John- I-" My voice catches in my throat and I struggle for words.

**"In your deepest pain, in your weakest hour, in your darkest night, you are lovely,"**

"Sherlock, I know why you're up here..." John's voice shakes. "But I swear to god I will follow you if you jump, I can't lose you again."

"It's for the best, I have to do this." I fight against the part of me that wants to live.

"No, you don't- you don't have to do this."

**"I'm standing on the edge of returning or just runnign away."**

  
"You don't have to do this." John inches closer.

"Stay there, I can't-" I take a deep breath and blink away tears. "I don't want you to get hurt. Go back the way you came."

"I'm not leaving without you."

"I can't do this anymore, John." I yell at the doctor that I've come to love. "I'm sick of everything and I can't-..." I shake my head and fight against tears.

"Let me help you, please." His voice breaks.

"I can't." I refuse his help. "Everyone will be better off, please, just let me do this."

"Think about Rosie." John is begging now. "Think of all the time you have to spend with her, think about Mrs. Hudson, Molly, Lestrade, Mycroft even... Think about me."

"You?" I look at him for the first time since I stepped on the roof.

"Yes, me." John is crying,_ I did that. I hurt him_. "I can't lose you again."

"I killed your wife." I look away from him.

"No, Mary gave her life to save you." John chokes on his words. "She made a choice, and you're about to make a choice."

I remain silent.

"Whether to live, or whether to die."

[Three endings.

1= Happy ending  
2= Angst ending  
3= Crack ending


	2. 1. Happy ending

"Whether to live, or whether to die."  
"I can't do this anymore." I shake with sobs.  
"I know, please let me help you."  
"I can't- god I can't do this." I fall to my knees sobbing. "What is wrong with me."  
"Sherlock." Arms go around me, _Johns?_ "It's alright." _Johns._  
He rocks me slowly and cries with me.  
"You're going to be alright, I'll help you."  
"I'm sorry."  
"No, I'm sorry." John strokes my hair. "It's going to be alright, It's going to be alright."


	3. 2. Angst

"Whether to live, or whether to die."  
"John..." I shake my head wishing that I could do what he wants.

Stepping up onto the ledge I take one final glance back at the shorter man. "I can't do this anymore."  
"Please."  
"Goodbye, John." I turn and step off the ledge.  
"SHERLOCK!" I hear John scream my name.  
_Everything goes black, not the calming black. But the horrifying black, the darkness that lurks within us and haunts up. The black our nightmares are made of._  
_I think I just retch hell._


	4. 3. Crack ending

"Whether to live, or whether to die."  
"I- John." I shake my head trying to explain what I'm trying to say.  
"Boring." A failure voice makes me turn to look at it. Moriarty. "So touching, yet boring."  
"Fuck off, we're in the middle-"  
"Pause." Moriarty pauses the scene and walks about making stupid faces at them and mocking their words. Finally, he turns to you(the reader)  
"This is my show now, and you're all going to burn." He smirks. Everything goes black.

**Author's Note:**

> Three endings.
> 
> 1= Happy ending  
2= Angst ending  
3= Crack ending


End file.
